Ligers, Unicorns & Other Mythical Matchups

Knock, Knock, Knockin' On Heaven's Door!!
(Thanks Axel)

Happy Friday everyone and get ready for a serious amount of top notch NFL action.  By this time you have probably figured out that the NFL playoffs are in full swing and there are all types of pools going on.  Boxes like the Super Bowl pools, eliminator pools with the spread and all types of variations in between.  So if you have the chance to pick your own teams this weekend, how do you make your decision?  There are all kinds of analytics being done…numbers being crunched, life savings being squandered this weekend…I have the fix for all of that…just like the NCAA Mens Basketball tournament, I like to pick my teams based on who would win if the battle was in real life - 

Despite the spread giving 7 points to the Baltimore Ravens you kinda have to think that a New England Patriot (with a gun) beats out a bird.  While the raven is a formidable bird and the guns used by the American Revolutionaries were primitive there really isn't much to discuss here…Pats win by 10 (especially in New England)

The late game on Saturday is the Carolina Panthers (-11 SEA) playing away from the den (I assume that's where panthers live) in Seattle against the Seattle Seahawks.  This is one of those weird ones where it is really, really hard to compare.  Both are pretty solid predators in their own right, but one flies and one doesn't.  I am not sure if panthers are capable of flight but I think that for the most part flying in this case will come in very handy.  I say Seattle wins but doesn't cover the spread in this long drawn out battle of beast versus bird.  That seahawk looks pissed...

Stay tuned for Sunday's matchups which get kinda funky in that it's two dudes fighting at 1PM and two horses at 4PM.

Enjoy your Friday & Saturday, eat chips!

HAPPY WATCHING!!!

Obama Thinks NFL Is Lame, I Agree!!!

Happy Humpy Day!  I really wasn't planning on putting up a post today but I came across a story that I am sure most of you if not all of you have seen already.  The Goodell Mafia has done it again in the NFL, bungling things and pretending that they care…and that my friends is something worth sharing!!  

So the story goes a little something like this - the Detroit Lions are beating the Dallas Cowboys in the 4th quarter of Sunday's second game of the day.  The Lions were in a tough spot on third down and as the play developed quarterback Matthew Stafford tried to hit his receiver down field for a first down which would have run more time off of the clock BUT as the ball made it's way to it's intended target the defender for the Cowboys more or less ran into the receiver and NEVER turned his head around towards the ball, which by the way is the easiest way to register a slam dunk call of pass interference on the defense.  The official in the best position to make this call throws his yellow handkerchief on the field and signals for pass interference.  The referee debates it while everyone waits for the call when low and behold the flag is picked up by the official put back in his pocket and no foul is awarded to the Lions.  They don't pick up the first down, punt the ball to Dallas, Dallas goes down the field scores and wins the game.  Dallas fans rejoice while the rest of the country (now instant Lions fans) curse the refs, moon, stars, sun and especially the NFL and it's elitist bull crap and know this whole thing is fixed (which it is). Pictured below, ex-bunk mates at Camp Turdington - (Left to right) some dude, Jones and Christie and some jackass behind Christie.

But hey, one can only be salty for so long after a bad loss...and then the NFL goes ahead and issues a statement essentially saying that they got the call wrong, go pound sand and buy our merchandise at www.evilempirethugs.com.  This statement was so stupid to make and proved nothing but their own ineptitude that President Obama weighed in on it, "If I was a Lions fan I'd be pretty aggravated".  In politically correct linguistics that means (to me at least) the POTUS is fed up with the NFL and how miserable they are at managing anything.  Look everyone makes mistakes but the NFL has just screwed so much lately that I have no sympathy for them.

And in honor of Humpy Day...how about this hump? - 

HAPPY WATCHING!!! 

When You're Dumb, Well You Know...You're Dumb

Happy Monday everybody! I hope the Turkey Day Weekend was kind to you.

So the Roger Goodell Mafia got it wrong...again, well sorta when it comes to basically everything but in this case the Ray Rice Indefinite Suspension ruling.  So it turns out that Goodell was completely all over the map when it came to how he approached the Rice situation BUT and I mean BUT if you want to see some kinda all over the map type stuff, you have to check out this interview ESPN put out with Ray's wife (then fiancée) Janay - http://espn.go.com/nfl/story/_/id/11913473/janay-rice-gives-own-account-night-atlantic-city

De Nile is not just a river in Egypt apparently. She states that she does not 'remember' most of the events that everyone is talking about.  Noteworthy - it's probably because Mr. Rice knocked you the f@&k out in the elevator and your brain is a little tired.  Did Goodell send Janay through the NFL concussion protocol? That my friends might be why she doesn't remember a darn thing and why she doesn't want to watch the elevator footage as she states in the interview.  Probably she is embarrassed as hell about her lack of memory during this time, I feel your pain. 

Come on NFL, get something right. As the saying goes, even a broken clock is right twice a day...that seems to be a tough challenge for the NFL lately. Let's shoot for right once in a while...

Editor's Note - Turkeys look really angry all of the time...

HAPPY WATCHING!!!

2014 Gobble Wobble Turkey Awards!

Welcome to the best weekend of the year!!

On Thanksgiving FOX, CBS and NBC all have some stupid version of the game's MVP and relate it to Thanksgiving or turkey.  John Madden used to dole out a six legged turkey which was just gross.  FOX named LeSean McCoy the game's Galloping Gobbler (or something along those lines) yesterday.  SO, I am going to give out the Gobble Wobble Turkey Awards to the biggest turkey on the field for each of the three games.  Essentially the opposite of the best player…commonly referred to as the worst.

We just witnessed some really good NFL action in yesterday's high scoring affair where the Detroit Lions made a sick comeback over the Chicago Cutlers.  At one point the Lions were down 14-3 only to end up winning 34-17.  Fantasy dreams were made for owners of Megatron (finally) and a few other notables (Joique Bell and Martellus Bennett).  In the land of the turkeys…Jay Cutler is the King Bird and winner of the Gobble Wobble Turkey Award!  He started out hot and then, well then he did a Cutler face plant with a QB Rating of 76.7 and 2 INTs…he did have 2 first quarter TDs and then nothing.

Next came the highly anticipated Philly Eagles versus the Dallas Cowboys.  NFC East Dream match up with tons of playoff implications and bad blood.  Of course they were playing in Dallas (it is Thanksgiving), and that stadium really does make me want to visit it…if only to punch Jerry Jones in the gut.  The game was pretty much over before the half and really only got worse as time wore on.  Sanchez threw for over 200 yards and 2 total TDs…oh boy, let the Jets really do suck comments flow because yeah, Jets Nation didn't already know that they suck.  This game's turkey has to be Romo, good ol' Tony Romo.  He never lets you down…big stage, playoffs on the line and lays an egg.  Turkeys lay eggs, right?  It just all adds up.  Romo finished off the day throwing for under 200 yards, 2 INTs and a QB Rating of 53.7 much to the chagrin of his fantasy owners and Cowboys fans around the globe.  Gobble Wobble Tony!

The Thursday night tilt had the Seattle Seahawks squaring off against the 49ers of San Francisco in SF.  These two teams have been battling each other at the top of the NFC West division for the past two seasons, but 2014 has found a renewed Arizona Cardinals team slotted in the number one spot with both SEA and SF looking up at them…hopefully Arizona's not wearing a kilt or things could get awkward.  Be that as it may, this was another game with massive playoff implications and above all bragging rights in the hotly contested division.  

Both teams play very solid defense amongst the best teams in the league.  Their offenses can at time be high powered and at other times…a bit lacking for teams so highly regarded.  Last night, pretty much summed that up.  The final score had SEA beating SF 19-3.  SF couldn't move the ball at all attesting to the stout SEA defense and San Fran's up and down offensive output.  SF was outplayed from all angles of this match up and it showed.  Therefore, as bestower of the Gobble Wobble Turkey Award…(drum roll) it is with great pleasure that I honor the entire San Francisco 49ers team with the final Gobble Wobble Turkey Award for 2014!!

Congratulations to all who tried their best/or least to win this award!!  Better luck next year to the losers.

HAPPY WATCHING!!!

Red Bulls Playoff Run Recap & Why You Should Watch Thursday Night Football

(4th Row correspondent Steven Humiston takes us through Sunday's NY Red Bulls Game) - On a windy and cool Sunday afternoon, the Red Bulls and DC United played the 1^st leg of the home and home Eastern Conference Semi-finals in Harrison, NJ. From the first minute to the 90^th minute, the RBs controlled possession and tempo throughout all phases of the game leading to a 2-0 victory over top seeded DC United. Playing through its wing players Thierry Henry and Lloyd Sam, New York caused havoc down the flanks creating numerous scoring opportunities. Magic struck for the Red Bulls in the 40^th minute as Lloyd Sam played a ball through the box that was back heeled by Henry to a streaking Bradley Wright-Phillips (BWP). BWP calmly pushed the ball by DC keeper Bill Hamid for the first goal of the match. DC's backline was left confused and struggling for answers as the combo attacking plays unlocked DC's defense for the first goal.

In the second half, it was more of the same. Led by backline stalwarts Jamison Olave and Ibrahim Sekagya, the Red Bulls controlled possession forcing DC United to press for the away goal that is so important in soccer’s playoff structure. Stretching DC United’s formation the Red Bulls were able to work the ball to Thierry Henry at midfield, who played an excellent over the top ball to fellow Frenchman Peguy Luyindula. Peguy (not of credit card commercial fame) slipped the shot through DC goalie Hamid’s legs giving the Red Bulls a commanding 2-0 lead after 73 minutes. With the game in hand, Thierry Henry was pulled for a sub to save his legs for the return match at RFK Stadium on Saturday (2:30PM NBC). With the possibly that this could have been his final home match, Henry went out in style – two brilliant assists and Red Bull faithful chanting HENRY and ONE MORE YEAR as he left the field. The last 10 minutes were played with DC looking for a goal, but it would not be the case on this Sunday.

With the Red Bulls up 2-0 in this series heading to DC United, they are seeking their first trip to any conference final since 2008. DC United will be looking to keep its worst to first season alive. This MLS original and only I-95 rivalry that counts (sorry Union fans) will add yet another thrilling chapter on Saturday at RFK Stadium.

Full preview of Saturday’s matching coming Friday right here on Grilled Cheese Sports.
Thanks again Steve!  Looking forward to Saturday's battle!!

Cleveland Browns vs. Cincinnati Bengals - Thursday 8:25PM NFL Network

    I know exactly what you're thinking when you read the line above…ugh Browns-Bengals…Why should I care?  I'm not from Cincinnati…I'm not from Cleveland (dodged a bullet there), why on Earth would I tune into this game on NFL Network when I could be watching any number of other highly rated television programs on Thursday night?  Heck, I could save my eyeballs the strain of such terrifying football and just go to bed early, get a jump start on Friday and actually have some energy to go out partying Friday night.  BUT let me tell you something brother (Macho Man Randy Savage), this isn't your, uh older brother's Browns and Bengals..no, no this my friend is the match up of the new Midwestern NFL powerhouses!!  One that will last through the next century (easily!) and cripple the current football kingdoms in Green Bay and Chicago. 

Well, maybe not just yet but there is plenty to get excited about for this game.  Let's run through a few things -

1.  Both teams are over .500 with the Browns (5-3) and Bengals (5-2-1)…yes they have a tie.  I forgot about it too.  October 12th against Carolina in a very high scoring affair.  There are more and more teams that are not only falling to .500 or below but many of which can't even smell .500, yes Jets, Bucs and Raiders you found our way into this post.

2.  The Bengals play in Paul Brown Stadium (long time owner and namesake of the original Browns, now the Ravens).  The Browns play in FirstEnergy Stadium (which up until 2012 was Cleveland Browns Stadium…So if the Browns play at Paul Brown Stadium is it considered a home game or at the very least a home away from home game?

3.  The QB for Cincinnati is Andy Dalton, his nickname in The Red Rocket and has Cheez Doodle colored hair - that's pretty awesome.

4.  Cleveland despite being named the Browns wear primarily orange and white uniforms and don't have a logo on either side of their helmets which I believe makes them the only team to do so.  It's kinda like if the Cincinnati Reds (baseball) worn jerseys primarily consisting of blue and yellow.  I know they were named after Paul Brown and not the color brown but they could make a better effort to incorporate it into the mix.

5.  The Browns quarterback Brian Hoyer has had a pretty incredible run through the NFL ranks to get to this spot eventually having to fight off college football superstar and all-around party animal Johnny Manziel. Hoyer has been competent in leading the Browns and deserves to keep the role thus far.

6.  AJ Green, Bengals wide receiver is back for his second week after recovering from injury.  The shortened turnaround time from Sunday should prove to be tough and will level the playing field in this game because when he is healthy…other teams' secondaries usually get toasted!!

That's about it!  Turn on, tune in and take it all in!

HAPPY WATCHING!!

Get Wifey Off Your Back, It's Only Monday!!

Happy Monday!  My most recent post Saturday afternoon extolled the awesomeness of all that was across the sports universe, especially in college football, MLB, NFL and NHL.  Well, when the dust settled late Sunday night, it was an up and down weekend.  Royals rolled again with a late rally in the top of the ninth to take a 2-0 lead on the O Birds.  The Jets did what they do, which is nothing exciting and even when it gets mildly exciting (making a late 4th quarter drive to tie the game) they find away to throw the game away.  Smith hit the other team with a sick pass that went for 6 points the other way.  At least it wasn't a blow out but it feels bad all the same.  The Rangers got smacked up 6-3 by the Toronto Maple Leafs who are now hang out enjoying Canadian Thanksgiving (get your own holidays!)  Did not make for very good sports TV around the NYC Metro area but the Dallas-Seattle game was a nice one for the national viewers.

You Think Your Wife is Always On YOUR Back?!

All that being said the HIGHLIGHT of the sporting world this weekend was the 2014 North American Wife Carrying Championships held Saturday at Sunday River, Maine.  You would think they would hold them on a Sunday at Sunday River, but whatever.  The rules of the competition are fairly simple - teams of one man and one woman where the woman is carried in some fashion compete in head to head heats to eventually get to the final head to head race.  The 275 yard course includes raised log obstacles, changes in elevation (try running up or downhill with your wife on your back) and what is termed "The Widow Maker" a stretch of waist deep water that essentially turns to a murky mash after competitors start running through it.  

Why do they call it The Widow Maker, you ask?  It's just a dude carrying his lady through waist deep water…sort of like in a romantic comedy starring whoever where the guy valiantly carries his honey to safety and then they make out on the shore of this body of water.  Well, this one is a little different because the male participant typically carries his female counterpart using the sport standard "Estonian carry".  What the heck is the Estonian carry?  Glad you asked!  It's where the "lady" wraps her legs around her partners head and clasps her arms around his waist.  Sounds pretty sexy right?  A whole lot of body contact for an obstacle course…well not exactly.  Picture the hold being an inverted piggyback ride where the woman's head is where her feet would usually be located.  Now image when she is dragged through waist deep (his waist, not hers) and you can see why if the man is not careful to keep his woman's head above the muck he could be looking at a long solo ride home (unless they win of course).  

There are a few other incredibly awesome perks to winning this coveted championship.  First, the winners receive the woman's weight in beer, 5 times her weight in cash and an entry into the World Championships held each year in Finland (where the sport is purported to have originated).  Adding another lay of beauty to the competition - your team's performance (lighter is better) and reward (heavier is better - more beer and dough) all come down to the weight of your wife.  I don't know about you guys, but this is not a conversation that I want to have with me wife heading into this competition.  Maybe this weekend the wife and I will give this a try, probably skipping The Widow Maker.

Enjoy your Monday!!

HAPPY WATCHING!!

The NFL's All Orange Jumpsuit Team

The NFL's All Orange Jumpsuit Team

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the weekend!  It is Friday night and the feelings right!  Everybody getting ready for a fun filled, action packed weekend?  I sure hope so.  We look to be getting a healthy does of rain this Saturday in the Northeast, but I am letting that get me down.  Speaking of having fun, have you ever been at a party and someone is clearly having too much fun.  Like way more fun than everyone else there and you are pretty sure that was not by accident.  By the end of the party that guy has puke crusted on the bottom of his shirt (if he is still wearing one), may be missing a shoe and probably lost some combination of keys/wallet/cell phone/sanity/girlfriend.  We have all seen it happen, heck maybe one time that person was you!  No bigs though right it's not like you ended up in jail or anything…or maybe you did, I don't know.

Well, having fun is pretty much the name of the game when you are a professional athlete.  You workout, practice, play in billion dollar stadiums and get paid nicely.  Pretty sweet!  But just like us simpletons, professional athletes have a little too much fun sometimes.  This has been a bit of a hot topic lately with the recent big name NFL players getting arrested, arraigned whatever.  So I thought to myself, what if we HAD to make an All-Star team comprised of only players and former players who served time in an orange jumpsuit…the answer is you bet your buns we could.  Sure, I thought…there are the notables but not enough to get a team together and where would I be able to get enough guys (let's just say we throw 11 guys together, they will play offense and defense)?  I don't remember every story about NFL players going to jail…so it makes things tougher but let's give it a go shall we.

1.  Jamal Lewis (RB) - Lewis was arrested and convicting of using a cell phone to facilitate a drug deal.  I think it's funny in this day and age that they clarify that he used a cell phone as opposed to say a hand written note on personalized stationery.  Lewis was an awesome running back for the Ravens mostly, some other stops were in there as well.  He once ran for 295 yards in a game breaking the record of 278 set by Corey Dillon.

2.  Nate Newton (G) - Big Nate Newton was pinched for drug trafficking in 2001 after the police found a very small amount of marijuana in his car after a traffic stop.  That small amount was 213 pounds worth, that's a grown man in pot form.  That's a lot!  Nate was a 6 time Pro-Bowler and 2 time Super Bowl champion with the Dallas Cowboys dynasty from the 1990's.  He served 2 years of a 7.5 year sentence and is now presumably just chillin'…probably.

3.  Art Schlichter (QB) - Art who?  Who the f$&!* is Art Schlichter?  Ha, you wish you knew!  I didn't know until I came across him doing some Googling and man was I impressed.  So here's the deal on ol' Artie.  He was a former fourth overall draft pick out of Ohio State in 1982 and essentially was a dud.  He holds a career 3-11 NFL record and threw for just over 1,000 yards…not that great, Drew Brees threw for 5000+ last season.  However, he was a beast in the arena league in the early 1990's and was the MVP of the league in 1990.  He makes this list because clearly he can chuck the pigskin and seems to have had quite the gambling problem.  Losing dough to every bookie in town and then the associated stuff that goes along with getting mixed up in that life.  He claims to have swindled and gambled away over $1.5 million over the years and got caught for fraud and theft.  Ouch.  He is currently serving a 10 year sentence.

4.  Leonard Little (DE) - Little Lenny Little (6'3", 267 pounds) was a Pro Bowler and Super Bowl Champion with the St. Louis Rams in the early 2000's…the period I like to call the Kurt "Flirt" Warner Era.  Lenny was partying waaaaaay too much, got behind the wheel of a car and killed someone.  It's commonly referred to as vehicular homicide but he only got involuntary manslaughter…got a three month sentence.  Seems about right.  You kill someone and go away for three months.  Blame it on the booze it seems.

5.  Ryan Leaf (QB, a bad one) - Mister Leaf was an incredibly highly touted college quarterback.  He was a number 2 selection overall out of Washington State.  That was about the highlight of his NFL career.  He was terrible, granted so were the San Diego Chargers at the time, but man was he bad.  His quarterback rating was 50 (bad) and his TD to INT ratio was 14:36 (bad).  To make matters worse, he was arrested after his career a few times for burglary, theft and drug possession.  He is currently serving out a 7 year sentence for a guilty plea/plea bargain type thing.

6.  Dave Meggett (RB, WR, KR, PR) - I HAD to add Davey Boy Meggett to this list.  He was a fixture of the 1990's New York Giants lineup.  He was one of the "Parcells boys" and man could he do it all.  He could run, pass, catch, return…you name it and he did it…along with criminal misconduct of the sexual nature and burglary which netted him 30 years in state lock up!  Good work Dave.

7.  Sam "Thundering" Hurd (WR) - Dallas Cowboys/Chicago Bears wide out Sammie Hurd was a speedster with great hands and on turf the saying goes, speed kills.  In real life, cocaine does too.  Hurd was arrested for conspiracy to possess cocaine and marijuana with the intent to distribute.  Sounds like a very convoluted way of saying that he called his buddy, asked him for a ton of drugs and was then going to sell them to his buddies…presumably around the NFL.  Weird…that probably never happens, oh wait.  


8.  Orenthal J. Simpson (RB) - It's been long enough in this thing to have not mentioned OJ by now, but honestly I was kinda saving him until just about the end.  OJ Simpson was an amazing running back for the Buffalo Billsin the 1960's and 70's.  His achievements on the field are remarkable and it is no wonder why he in the NFL Hall of Fame in Canton, OH.  His off of the field activities are just as legendary.  The Juice was beloved by the American public and even had a few acting roles after his playing days were over.  And then…and then, he alledgedly killed his wife and her lover in cold blood.  All good according to the jury, he was set free, free as a bird now…then he got whoppered in the civil case by the lover's parents.  No dough and down on his luck he broke into a hotel room being occupied by a sports collectibles enthusiast.  He then stole items from said enthusiast that he felt belonged to him.  He was arrested and is now in jail for that crime.  Karma can be a killer sometimes...

9.  Terry "Tank" Johnson - (DT) The Tanker played a mean nose tackle for the Chicago Bears (for the bulk of his career).  He was a force in the middle clogging up running lanes and mauling opposing centers to get to the quarterback.  One could say he assaulted defenses every chance he got.  Which is funny since he was arrested for of all things assaulting people and owning unlicensed assault weapons and hand guns.  His story reads like that of a guy with a good amount of dough hitting clubs living it up and keep a ton of guns.

10.  Lawrence Phillips (RB) - Larry Phil gets almost top billing here because he combines some seriously violent behavior and being a disaster of a draft bust.  He was taken 6th overall and in defense of the Rams, he was awesome in college.  He was a big bruiser but unfortunately for him it just never really clicked at the top level and he was basically out of the NFL in a few years.  He went abroad and played well in Europe.  Speaking of abroad, he got into trouble with the law for punching his girlfriend…that's pretty bad.  BUT even better he got arrested and sentenced to 31 years for driving his car into a group of teenagers, on purpose.  That's pretty messed up, I mean seriously?  That is why he was picked number 10! - You see this photo and think, man life is annoying...

11.  Plaxico Burress/Michael Vick - (WR/QB) - Yes, I get it I have too many WRs and QBs, well just get over it.  Those are the interesting players.  No one give a poop about the linebackers who actually kill people (allegedly but then find Jesus and it's all cool...Ray Lewis, I gotcha bro').  But this twosome is coming into training camp as a tandem.  It's either both or none.  One shot himself in the leg in an NYC club trying to conceal a gun in sweatpants...sweatpants!  The other served time for fighting dogs against each other.  A horrible thing but a crime I think not.  It's brutal and terrible but does a man really need to go to jail for a long time (longer than many rapists and child molesters for this crime)?  Either way I saved these two for the man, THAT SUCKS play.  I love ya both but man, you gotta be better than that.  That's just dumb...silent b.

Honorable mention - L to the Tizzle

HAPPY WATCHING!! 

NFL QB Battle Run Down & Mario Balotelli is an Idiot

QB Competitions & Mario Balotelli Makes Moves

Happy Friday and welcome to the almost weekend!  A few housekeeping items to wade through before we get started, trust me…you'll be happy when it's done.  

1.  Simpsons marathon in full swing on FXX…all 522 episodes (or thereabouts) played in order…25 seasons.

2.  New York Giants versus New York Jets (game played in New Jersey) tonight…week 3 of pre-season is always the most interesting game.  Starters get some real burn.   VICK-GENO will be discussed later.  Thanks Avid Appetite for the pic shown below! The Avid Appetite! My wife likes the Giants, I am a Jets fan...my daughter is being groomed to be a Giants fan (I pushed for the Mets...inevitably 

3.  Nothing to report on the "football players getting pinched for weed" front.  The Pittsburgh RB duo of Blount and Bell are seemingly getting slaps on the wrist and will be ready for your fantasy draft.  Well, maybe there was an update…my bad.

4.  There is a dude in California growing crazy watermelons and pumpkins shaped like hearts and Frankenstein heads…it's pretty cool and thought it was worth mentioning - Nice Melons!!

Ok, time for NFL QB Battle talk!

New York Jets - Geno Smith v. Michael Vick - I really don't think there is much of a battle here but it would be nice if there were.  I am 100% not tied to Geno Smith being the #1 QB for the Jetties this year, but I feel like overall Mike Vick was brought in to back him up and just hang around in case Geno's start this year is a disaster (which it could be).  Newly acquired WR Eric Decker will help this struggling bunch…but is it enough?

Cleveland Browns - Brian Hoyer v Johnny Foosball - This one has already been decided.  Browns head coach Mike Pettine has come out with Hoyer as his week 1 starter.  I do think that this is only temporary, unless Foosball finds a way to screw it up.  The Browns stink and despite being a relatively decent QB Hoyer will take the blame when they are 2-4…Here's Johnny!!


Minnesota Vikings - Teddy Bridgewater, Christian Ponder & Matt Cassel - The Vikes are a mess.  Despite having the best running back in the game (Adrian Peterson) they seemingly can't get the other parts of their offense together…or at least together enough so that they can balance out their attack.  This one doesn't matter but I think Cassel wins out over Bridgewater.  Not really sure why Ponder has fallen out of the race but that seems to be the case.  Ponder has been pretty solid when healthy, while Cassel has been useless when a starter…go figure.  Bridgewater gets the bulk of the snaps by season's end if the Minnesota Petersons can't get a few Ws by November.


Jacksonville Jaguars - Blake Bortles v. Chad Henne - Bortles has been great so far this pre-season and is lady friend (Lindsey Duke) is very attractive, but I don't think that factors into play here.  Henne has been around the block once or thrice and I feel like the hapless Jags need/crave that stability that a Chad Henne led offensive brings (impossible not to laugh uncontrollably).  Either way, this team is not going to be good.  Zero fantasy value as well.

Oakland Raiders - Matt Schaub v. Derek Carr - no one cares.  The Raiders are miserable, key players are always injured (here's looking at you Mr. McFadden) and overall their division is a pretty darned tough one.  They could start either one of these guys and wind up with the same record, 5-11 and miss the playoffs.  Of course they will end up having a few big weeks when you pick them on your eliminator pool, thank Al Davis (shown below)…keepin' it real, real dumb.

Mario Balotelli Headed to Liverpool?

Balotelli is pretty much as crazy as Luis Suarez (the biter).  Both players are awesome forces up top but lack the mental capacity to not be annoying ungrateful bums.  Both guys make a ton of dough (technical term) to play soccer and seemingly are not able to grasp the fact that, that alone is awesome and is the goal of millions of kids around the world.  No, no…not enough for Super Mario though.  Born in Palermo, Italian national team stud…just hates playing by the rules of life.  He thinks everyone is out to get him…maybe in Italy (where he has long suffered racist attacks due to his family's African origins do they refer to him as African-Italian?, that would be funny) they are out to get him.  Otherwise, it's mostly in his head, which is why LFC is putting crazy clauses in his contract.  He goes crazy, he don't get paid...got it?  Good Luck Liverpool, I hope that this move goes tragically wrong for you.  Sorry, but I had to throw that one in there.

Then there's this to send you off to the weekend - 

Again, enjoy your weekend!!!

Happy Watching!!!

SHOCKER! Josh Gordon Smokes Weed, Cares Less

Josh Gordon Didn't Give Full Effort in MNF Loss

Cleveland Browns wide receiver Josh Gordon (pending suspension) apparently did not satisfy his coaches with his play during Monday night's pre-season game against the Washington Redskins.  Head coach Mike Pettine stated that the staff felt that something was lacking…the drive just wasn't there.  NEWS FLASH:  Josh Gordon has failed like 11 drug tests all for marijuana (at least from what the NFL has told us).  There is a rumor circulating the Earth that weed tends to take the edge off as well as lower your desire to really do anything.  Again, that's just a rumor.  But the effects of bongs and blunts aside, maybe he just wasn't into it because he is 99.9% certain he will be missing the 2014 season because he is a repeat offender of the NFL's substance abuse policy…just maybe.  I am not saying it's right since I believe he is still being paid to play, but I get it, I really do get it.  What I do not get is how his coaches even felt the slightest desire to play him at all.  What good comes from that?  He could get hurt and miss more time.  He could do well and just remind everyone of what they are going to miss once he gets suspended.  He could do nothing and everyone just says, what is this guy doing here in the first place?  But seriously, Josh…enough with the weed.  There'll be time enough for smokin' when the career is over.

In other football related news, the NFL geniuses have run that statistics and found…wait for this one…that the experimental longer extra point kick (being spotted at the 15 yard line as opposed to the usual 2 yard line) was missed with greater frequency!!  No way!  It's harder to make a longer kick?  Stop.  That can't be accurate.  Run the numbers again!  You ran them 6 times?  Run 'em a 7th time!!  God!  I am so tired of the number monkeys at the NFL, I always have to tell them to run the 20 times a day…frustrating and tiring.

But really?  Is the NFL surprised by the stats here?  Spotting the ball at the 2 yard line is going to be an easier kick than spotting it at the 15 yard line every day of the week. Maybe not Tuesday (no football on Tuesdays).  This is like confirming that the closer you stand to an open flame the more likely you are to set yourself on fire.  NFL you have outdone yourselves again!  The rumor is that these longer PATs are on the not so distance horizon.  Works for me, I love added drama…sucks for the kickers though.

GRILLED CHEESE SPORTS WRAP UP!

++  Nick Fairley (Detroit Lions defensive end) has been demoted from starter to second string because he got fat(ter).  Pretty sure someone should call HR on the Lions front office!

++  Brian Hoyer beats out Johnny Manziel for the starting QB gig in Cleveland…Good luck to all players!

++  Curt Schilling declares tobacco use probably contributed to his mouth cancer…Yes, I agree.

++  It's Hump Day!  Enjoy!

Happy Watching!!

Beat Up The Beat!!

Hey Everybody!  I hope you're making your way closer to Friday…

Today's theme is going to be "Beat up the Beat"!!  Not sure if everyone remembers that from the MTV smash hit The Jersey Shore, but I sure do.  Lovin' Jerz and reppin' the Shore, no doubt son.  Basically when the gang would go out clubbing looking for chicks that were DTF they would pull out a few dance moves (most notably The Fist Pump) and exclaim that they wanted/needed to beat up the beat.  Well, I can't say that I will be doling out advice on dance moves…that's more a Cosmo or Teen Vogue thing and I don't want to steal their thunder, no sir.  No - instead today it will be a beat down on the POLICE BEAT going around the sports world today.  So here we go!

1.  One of the bigger collapses in a Major League Baseball career was carried out by one Chuck Knoblauch.  For those who didn't know, he got a ridiculous case of the yips while playing for the Yankees and essentially couldn't throw a fielded groundball from the second base slot to the first baseman.  It was painful to watch and I kinda felt bad for the guy, but he played for the Yankees so I didn't mind it as much.  He was arrested for "allegedly" assaulting his wife.  The Twins (who he used to play for before went on to pinstripes) were planning a nice Chuck Knoblauch Day or something along those lines…that has been cancelled.  Come On Twins!!! They said allegedly!!

2.  This is a short one.  Ray Rice is suspended for two games this season by the Roger Goodell Mafia.  Punch your lady friend to the floor in an Atlantic City elevator and you get two days off from work.  Something seems odd here on a few levels.  If you are going to have your employer suspend you for something you did at a casino (which it looked like he gave her a good one in that elevator) then you gotta do a little more than 2 games.  What message are we sending our kids?  Especially all of the kids in the casinos!!  On the other hand, if my wife pushes me down the stairs at the mall or something, I am pretty certain that her employer doesn't send her an email saying to take two weeks off, just saying.

3.  Justin Blackmon is currently a suspended NFL wide receiver who had a fantastic college career and ultimately wound up being a top 10 (if memory serves me right) draft pick at the NFL draft.  He was you guessed it arrested today for drug possession. Guess why he is a currently suspended NFL wide receiver...nailed it, drugs.  I hate these stories I really do because addiction issues in America do not get the attention they deserve. I know we are the master's of our own lives but sometimes it's not that simple. Be that as it may, it seems like Mr. Blackmon is on a 'can't stop won't stop campaign' and honestly as the younger folk say YOLO!!!  (You only live once)  but it might be cool to live once, to 85 with a few duckets in the buckets my friend.

4.  Mets lost 9-1 to the Brew Crew, ouchie....  Yanks won 4-2 in the BX against the Texas Rangers and we are now every so closer to the trade deadline.  Tomorrow, I will give you a sweet update on trade rumors, trades that have happened and my usual 10 minute update on all the cool points in sports.

Much love my friends! It's almost Friday!

Happy Watching!

-Shaun